


and the sun will rise

by glittermerm



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:41:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26116615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glittermerm/pseuds/glittermerm
Summary: If the sun was a person it would be Jiwon, and his smile the sunshine beating down on earth. But Junhoe was fragile. The sun gave him migraines that made him shrink in upon himself.“I’m worried about you,” Jiwon says softly. He runs his fingers comfortingly through Junhoe’s hair. “Things have been hard for you lately, haven’t they?” he asks. Junhoe nods, a lump forming in his throat.--“Junhoe?” he calls, to no answer. The hairs on the back of his neck prickle, and he gets the feeling that something isn’t quite right.
Relationships: Goo Junhoe/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Comments: 3
Kudos: 42





	and the sun will rise

**Author's Note:**

> Please please heed the trigger warnings, and don't read this if it's going to trigger you! This fic depicts severe depression, anxiety/panic attacks all leading to a non graphic overdose attempt.

If the sun was a person it would be Jiwon, and his smile the sunshine beating down on earth. But Junhoe was fragile. The sun gave him migraines that made him shrink in upon himself. 

The real morning sun beams through the window, and Jiwon stirs, body stretching before tightening around Junhoe. He rubs his nose against the back of Junhoe’s neck, his kiss tickling like grass. “Good morning, baby,” he says, voice hoarse from sleep. His fingers dance down Junhoe’s bicep, his kisses following the same path. “Time to wake up,” he says, his chest warm against Junhoe’s back. 

Junhoe grumbles and rolls out of Jiwon’s grasp, pulling the covers over his head. 

“Junhoe,” Jiwon says patiently. 

“I’m tired,” Junhoe mumbles. Jiwon leans forward, draping an arm over his covered boyfriend. 

“Okay, baby, sleep a while longer, I’ll make breakfast,” Jiwon says, climbing out of bed when Junhoe doesn't answer. 

It was one by the time Jiwon went to check on Junhoe. He hasn’t stirred from the bed, and Jiwon is beginning to worry. He peeks in the doorway. Junhoe is still mostly buried under the covers, the top of his head poking out. 

Jiwon smiles softly as he crawls on the bed, settling down next to Junhoe. He carefully peels back the covers, pressing another kiss to the back of Junhoe’s neck. “Come on, sleepy head, it’s time to get up,” he says, shaking Junhoe lightly. 

“Go away,” Junhoe grumbles. 

“It’s afternoon already babe, you’re gonna fuck up your sleep schedule,” Jiwon chides. 

“Don’t care,” is the only answer he gets. 

He frowns, stroking the smooth skin of Junhoe’s shoulder softly. “At least come eat something,” Jiwon asks. 

Junhoe just shakes his head. 

“Please,” Jiwon begs. 

“I’m not hungry,” Junhoe says into the pillow. 

Jiwon rolls Junhoe over, watching as Junhoe’s eyes narrow in the glaring sun. His face smushes up and Jiwon touches his forehead. 

“You don’t have a fever,” he says. 

Junhoe swats his hand away. “I’m fine. I just want to be left alone,” he growls. Jiwon’s mouth forms a small ‘oh’ sound not coming out. 

“Okay, I’ll be in the living room if you need me,” he says, quietly backing out of the room. 

Junhoe doesn’t come out of the bedroom until it’s dark. 

“Hey babe,” Jiwon says softly as he hears the padded footsteps.

“Hey,” Junhoe says, voice hoarse. 

“You hungry? There’s leftovers I could heat up for you,” Jiwon offers. Junhoe shakes his head and Jiwon frowns. “You haven’t eaten all day.” 

“I’m not hungry,” he says simply. Jiwon wants to argue, but he knows all it’ll do is start a fight, and he doesn’t want to push Junhoe right now.

Junhoe makes his way over to the couch, curling up in a ball with his head in Jiwon’s lap. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you earlier,” he says, eyes closing.

“It’s okay,” Jiwon says, carding his fingers through Junhoe’s hair. He doesn’t say ‘I’m just worried about you’. Junhoe is asleep again in a matter of minutes, and Jiwon continues to play with his hair, the tv a dull hum in the background. For someone who has been sleeping all day, Junhoe is out like a rock. 

“Baby,” Jiwon whispers, hours later, shaking Junhoe lightly. He gets a mumble in response. “It’s late, come on, let’s move to the bedroom.” Junhoe groans, but Jiwon is insistent, forcing him to his feet, and dragging him to bed. Junhoe just drops into bed like a stone. Jiwon crawls in beside him, and pulls Junhoe close. Junhoe buries his face in Jiwon’s chest, and Jiwon kisses the top of his head, and settles in.

Looking back, Jiwon thinks that was the day he lost Junhoe. The weekend passed in a similar manner, Junhoe barely moving from the bed, only eating when Jiwon threatened him. Jiwon was worried, beyond it, really.

Monday comes, and Junhoe reluctantly pulls himself out of bed. Jiwon chews his lip as he watches Junhoe dress. The man looks exhausted, like he hadn’t just slept for the entire weekend. If Junhoe notices his lingering stares, he doesn’t acknowledge them. He just packs up and heads out for the day. 

Jiwon’s lucky enough to work from home so he doesn’t have to get dressed, or go far. He makes a coffee and heads into the office to start composing. He works until his stomach growls. He’s shocked when he realizes it’s already 1. He pulls out his phone, but there’s no messages from Junhoe. He quickly types one out.

_ Jiwon: Hey babe, want me to bring you lunch? _

It’s several minutes before he gets a reply.

_ Junhoe: Too swamped, thanks though. _

Jiwon considers that for a moment, but surprising Junhoe at work when he’s busy isn’t going to do either of them any favors, so he gets up and makes himself lunch. He goes back to work when he’s done, and waits for Junhoe to get home.

Around 6 he hears the sound of the door clicking open, and he heads out into the living room. Junhoe looks, if anything, more exhausted than he had that morning. Jiwon wraps his arm around him and hugs him tight as Junhoe slumps into him. 

“Rough day?” he asks, and Junhoe shrugs. Jiwon from and kisses his cheek. “Go sit, and I’ll make dinner.” Junhoe just nods, sinking into the couch cushions. By the time Jiwon comes back, Junhoe is snoring softly. He feels bad waking him up, but he has no idea if Junhoe even ate lunch. 

“Babe,” he says, shaking Junhoe lightly. Junhoe startles, eyes popping open. “Easy, it’s just me,” Jiwon says, and when Junhoe seems at least semi awake, he passes him a bowl. He settles on the opposite end of the couch to eat, though he mostly ends up watching Junhoe pick at his food.

“Is it not good?” he asks.

“It’s fine, I’m just not super hungry,” Junhoe mumbles. Jiwon frowns but says nothing. 

Junhoe continues to deteriorate. His mood swings get worse, and he snaps at Jiwon constantly over the littlest things. Jiwon tries not to let it get to him, but he’s worried. Junhoe is visibly losing weight, his appetite nearly nonexistent.

“Junhoe,” Jiwon says one night, after watching him pick at his food for fifteen minutes without taking a single bite.

“What?” Junhoe asks, eyes sliding up to meet Jiwon’s.

“I think we should talk,” he says, and he doesn’t miss the wave of panic that ripples across Junhoe’s face.

“You’re not leaving me, are you?” Junhoe says, distressed. The hand holding his chopsticks shakes and Jiwon reaches across the table, holding it tight.

“No baby, of course I’m not,” he says, rubbing Junhoe’s hand reassuringly with his thumb. “Come on, let's go to the couch, it’s comfier.”

“Okay,” Junhoe mumbles, his anxiety still filling the air. 

Jiwon stands up, pulling Junhoe with him, and they leave their plates on the table as Jiwon guides them both to the living room. He settles onto the couch. Junhoe sits on the next cushion, but Jiwon pulls him so Junhoe is half laying in his lap, his head pillowed on Jiwon’s shoulder.

They sit in silence for a while, Jiwon just holding Junhoe, but eventually Junhoe’s nerves get the best of him. “What did you want to talk about?” he asks, trying to hide the quiver in his voice.

“I’m worried about you,” Jiwon says softly. He runs his fingers comfortingly through Junhoe’s hair. “Things have been hard for you lately, haven’t they?” he asks. Junhoe nods, a lump forming in his throat.

“It’s just stress from work,” Junhoe says, but Jiwon shakes his head.

“It’s not. I know you Junhoe, and I’ve never seen you like this. You’re not eating, you either don’t sleep at all or can’t get out of bed. You’ve never been so moody and temperamental. I’m concerned,” he whispers the last part, pressing his forehead to Junhoe’s.

But Junhoe’s not prepared for the weight of his reality, and a small sob escapes his lips. He turns his head, burying it in the crook of Jiwon’s shoulder so it’s hidden as tears begin to fall.

“It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” Jiwon says, wrapping an arm tightly around Junhoe, his other hand pillowing the back of his head. Junhoe curls into him, and Jiwon kisses the top of his head as Junhoe’s body shakes. It kills him to see Junhoe this way, but it’s better than Junhoe continuing to shove all his feelings down.

Junhoe mumbles something into his shirt, and Jiwon frowns. “What was that?” he asks, still stroking Junhoe’s hair. Junhoe turns his face slightly.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out, and Jiwon grips him tighter. “I’m sorry,” he repeats. 

Jiwon shushes him. “You have nothing to be sorry for baby, you’re going through a hard time. Don’t apologize,” he says softly. But that just makes Junhoe cry harder. “Baby, shh, it’s okay,” he says, feeling the tears well up in his own eyes.

“You’re so good to me, and I’ve been shit,” Junhoe chokes out. “I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve anything.” 

Jiwon’s tears spill over at that. “Koo Junhoe, you deserve the entire goddamn universe. Don’t ever think you’re undeserving of love, especially mine. Because you are the light in my life and I love you more than you could ever know.”

Junhoe’s tears fall harder, making it impossible for him to get words out. 

“Tomorrow we’re going to talk, and we’re gonna find someone who can help you, okay?” Jiwon says, and Junhoe just nods weakly. His sobs are tapering off, he’s too exhausted to cry anymore. Jiwon just continues to hold him, whispering reassurances until Junhoe stops shaking. 

He’s asleep when Jiwon looks down, and he brushes the tears gently off Junhoe’s face. He waits until he’s sure Junhoe is sound asleep, before scooping him up and carrying him to the bedroom. He tucks him in, crawling in beside him, and Junhoe instinctively curls towards him. Jiwon settles in, wrapping a warm arm around Junhoe.

They’re going to figure this out, together.

They decide Junhoe should take some time off work. Jiwon makes enough as a producer that Junhoe never needed to work, but the younger hates feeling fully dependent on Jiwon. But Jiwon convinces him to take a leave of absence.

Finding a therapist is a little harder. The overwhelming taboo of mental health makes things difficult but Jiwon doesn’t give up. He digs deep and finds a well recommended therapist. Junhoe is hesitant about going, but Jiwon gently persuades him. 

It’s a few days later, and Junhoe seems to be doing a little better after his breakdown, and Jiwon is cautiously optimistic. They’re on the couch again, watching a drama. Well, Jiwon is watching a drama, Junhoe is napping with his head in Jiwon’s lap. Jiwon strokes fingers gently through his hair, and is overwhelmed with how much he loves this man.

Junhoe wakes up a bit later, stretching sleepily. He rolls over, burying his face in Jiwon’s stomach. Jiwon laughs, and strokes Junhoe’s cheek, “You hungry?” he asks, and Junhoe shakes his head. “Junhoe,” Jiwon says patiently. “Something small at least?” Junhoe whines, but finally nods. 

He sits up, running a hand through his disheveled hair. His eyes are still half closed as she slumps into Jiwon. Jiwon looks down, giving him a small smile, and Junhoe stretches up to kiss him. It’s gentle, but it’s also the first time Junhoe’s initiated affection in awhile, and Jiwon kisses him back just as softly, a hand cupping his cheek. “Come on, lunch,” he says, pulling away, and Junhoe sighs, but follows him to the kitchen.

Junhoe starts therapy the next week. Jiwon practically has to drag him through the clinic door for his first session. He sits in the car during the appointment. 

“How was it?” he asks cautiously as Junhoe slides into the passenger seat, trying to hide his red eyes. Junhoe shrugs, and Jiwon lets it go. He drives home in silence, letting Junhoe reflect on whatever thoughts he’s having. If he notices Junhoe curling closer to him in bed that night, he doesn’t say anything, just holds him.

Jiwon takes Junhoe to therapy daily. He never questions him after the first day. Sometimes they just sit in the car for a while, Jiwon rubbing soothing circles into Junhoe’s hand. On his better days, they go out for coffee.

They put Junhoe on medication. He’s against it at first, says it makes him feel like he’s broken.

“You’re not broken, Junhoe,” Jiwon says as they sit in the car, slowly baking in the heat. Junhoe looks at the bottles in his hands. He doesn’t remember which is for what, but they all have instructions on them. “You’re sick,” Jiwon tells him, startling out of his thoughts. “When we’re sick we take medicine to help us get better quicker. That’s all.” Junhoe shoves the pills in the glovebox, and rests his head against the window, ignoring the hand Jiwon offers. Jiwon just sighs and drives them home.

Junhoe takes his meds, and he resents them. The first few days he feels foggy and numb, like nothing he touches is quite real. Jiwon is patient with him, always so fucking patient, and for some reason that makes Junhoe mad. He has a meltdown one day, it’s been awhile since his last. He doesn’t even know what he’s yelling at Jiwon about, just remembers stomping away and slamming the bedroom door. He crawls under the covers and tries to will himself out of existence. 

Slowly, things seem to get back to normal. Jiwon locks himself in the bathroom and cries the first time he hears Junhoe laugh again. It’s been months. He hadn’t realized how much it hurt him seeing Junhoe in pain. He still has his off days, but it seems like there’s a light on the horizon finally.

Until Jiwon comes home one day to find Junhoe curled in a ball in the middle of the living room floor, shaking. His sobs are audible from the entrance to the apartment, and Jiwon rushes to him, dropping to his knees.

“Junhoe, Junhoe,” he says frantically, his fingers searching Junhoe subconsciously for injury. But Junhoe just reaches for him, and Jiwon curls on the floor with his boyfriend, holding him tight. “What’s wrong baby?” he asks, as Junhoe’s tears sink into his shirt.

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” Junhoe repeats, and Jiwon holds him tighter like he can keep him from breaking. 

“I’m here, it’s okay, you can talk to me,” he tries to soothe, but Junhoe just continues to sob. Jiwon thinks he’s not going to get an answer, but Junhoe’s fingers twist in his shirt.

“Everything,” he chokes out. “It’s just too much.” He whimpers and buries his face in Jiwon’s neck, and Jiwon just holds him, whispering reassurances, until the sobs subside, and Junhoe slowly stops shaking. He doesn’t let go of Jiwon though, and Jiwon doesn’t try to leave, not until Junhoe finally lets go. 

Junhoe avoids him for the rest of the evening, busying himself with something in the kitchen. Jiwon wants to tell him there’s nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, but he knows Junhoe won’t hear it anyway.

Junhoe’s panic attacks don’t stop. He tries to hide it at first, locking himself in the bathroom with the water running so Jiwon doesn’t hear. But, he knows. He doesn’t say anything besides ‘I love you’.

“I don’t want to go,” Junhoe says, slumped in the passenger’s seat.

“It’s 45 minutes Junhoe, you do this every day,” Jiwon says, trying to be patient.

“Exactly, and it’s a bunch of bullshit, and I don’t want to go,” he snaps. Jiwon massages his temple. 

“Please, just go to your session Junhoe,” he pleads. Junhoe doesn’t say anything, just gets out of the car and stomps off toward the building, making sure to slam the car door first.

Jiwon rests his head against the steering wheel. He’s tired in a way he’s never been before. Sometimes he feels near his own breaking point. Maybe he should start booking therapy sessions for himself. He loves Junhoe to the moon and back, but it’s hard. He lets himself stew in his own emotions until he sees Junhoe emerge, and puts himself back together.

Junhoe has two new bottles of pills.

Junhoe quits his job. It’s for the better. He can’t extend his leave of absence any longer, and while he’s made progress, day to day life is still hard for him. He can’t imagine trying to explain why he’s on the floor struggling to breathe, to his boss.

But that doesn’t mean he has to be happy about it. He spends the day sulking, resisting Jiwon’s attempts to lure him out of bed. At least until he’s hungry. He blinks into the sunlight as he emerges from the room.

“Hey babe,” Jiwon says, acting like Junhoe hasn’t spent the morning snapping at him every time he opened his mouth.

“Hey,” Junhoe says dully, making his way to the fridge.

“Do you want me to make you something?” Jiwon offers.

“We have leftovers, it’s fine,” Junhoe says. 

They sit in silence at the table. Jiwon can feel the tension building up from Junhoe, but he’s perplexed as to why. He looks up from his food to find Junhoe staring at him intensely. 

“What?” he asks, bewildered.

“Why don’t you leave me?” Junhoe asks bluntly, and Jiwon stares at him for a moment lost for words.

“Why the hell would I do that?” is all he can think to say.

Junhoe looks frustrated, and gestures vaguely. “Your life would be a hell of a lot easier if you didn’t have to fucking babysit me.”

“Is that what you think, Junhoe, that I’m babysitting you?” he asks, tone flat.

“Are you not?” Junhoe scoffs, pushing his food away from him. “You take me to therapy every day, you make sure I take my pills, and heaven forbid I’m out of your sight for ten seconds. Who knows what I might do?”

“I do those things because I love you, Junhoe,” Jiwon snaps back. “I love you, and no matter what thoughts you’ve got in your head about how I feel, that won’t change.”

“When was the last time you did anything for yourself? Slept a full night? You look almost as shitty as I feel lately,” Junhoe says.

“Thanks,” Jiwon says sarcastically.

“I’m serious, you’d be better off leaving me, and living your life again.”

“Enough Junhoe. I’m not having this conversation, because I’m not leaving you. So stop,” he says harshly, standing. He practically throws his plate in the sink as he walks by. He locks himself in the little room he uses as a home studio and tries to remember how to breathe.

Junhoe doesn’t bring it up again, and things go back to normal. Well, their new normal anyway. Junhoe goes to therapy, takes his pills, and tries to keep the thoughts that run through his mind at bay.

  
  


Junhoe wakes up before Jiwon. He lays there, the early morning sun just beginning to creep up in the sky. It’s beams illuminate Jiwon’s sleeping face. He’s out cold, and Junhoe’s glad for it. Guilt has been sinking into him, getting worse every day. Jiwon thinks he’s good at hiding how he’s feeling, but he’s no better than Junhoe.

Junhoe kisses him softly, and cuddles closer to him.

“Junhoe?” Jiwon mumbles sleepily.

“Shh go back to sleep,” Junhoe says.

“Everythin’ ok?” Jiwon questions.

“It will be,” Junhoe says, before laying his head back down and falling asleep in Jiwon’s arms.

Junhoe wakes to kisses on his face. He groans before laughing as his eyes open. Jiwon is up in his face, that dazzlingly stupid smile on his face. Junhoe cradles his face, and kisses him back.

“Good morning baby,” Jiwon says. Junhoe snuggles closer and closes his eyes. 

“Morning,” Junhoe mumbles, still mostly asleep.

“I’ve got a meeting today,” Jiwon says, pressing a kiss into his hair. Junhoe hmms in response. “I should only be gone like three hours at most, and then we can go do something fun today.”

Junhoe opens his eyes. He wants to tell Jiwon not to go, to stay with him a little longer. But he doesn’t. He’s been selfish enough. Jiwon finally extricates himself from Junhoe’s hold and begins to get dressed. Junhoe watches in silence.

“Jiwon,” he says softly. Jiwon looks up from buttoning his shirt. “You know I love you, right?” he asks, watching as Jiwon’s eyes crinkle.

“Of course I do baby. I love you too,” he answers. He finishes dressing, and crosses the room back to the bed to give Junhoe a lingering kiss. And then he’s gone. Junhoe sinks back into the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

  
  


The meeting goes well, and finishes early. Jiwon is set to sign a contract with a big company to be an in house producer. It’ll be a huge raise, and Jiwon is already planning a vacation for him and Junhoe in his mind. It’ll be good, he thinks, for Junhoe to get away from Seoul for awhile. He calls Junhoe as he walks to the car, but it rings and goes to voicemail. He frowns. Maybe Junhoe is still sleeping. He did look tired this morning.

He hurries home, and bustles up the stairs to their apartment. He punches in the keycode, stepping into the apartment. He kicks his shoes in the general direction of the rack, and steps into the apartment.

“Junhoe?” he calls, to no answer. The hairs on the back of his neck prickle, and he gets the feeling that something isn’t quite right.

“Junhoe?” he says again, a little louder this time, making his way towards the bedroom. Junhoe is there, eyes closed, and Jiwon breathes a sigh of relief. 

“Junhoe,” he says for the third time as he approaches the bed. It’s then that Jiwon notices the empty pill bottles, and the impossible stillness of his body. He’s aware of someone screaming, unaware that it’s him. Everything moves in fragments after that. He’s on the bed, shaking Junhoe, begging him to wake up. He’s choking on his sobs.

He doesn’t remember calling the emergency line, but he must have because there are people pushing him out of the way to get to Junhoe. He falls on his ass in the corner of the room, and stays there stunned. He can’t see Junhoe anymore, he’s surrounded by people. He sobs, whimpering Junhoe’s name over and over.

And then he’s alone. He can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t move. 

“Jiwon? Jiwon!” a concerned voice practically shouts, and Jiwon realizes he’s got his phone pressed to his ear. 

“Come get me,” he whimpers, and lets it fall to the floor, unaware of who he even called.

But Jinhwan finds him fifteen minutes later, still huddled in the corner of the bedroom. He drops to his knees in front of him, gathering him into his arms. “What happened?” he asks carefully as Jiwon’s body shakes so hard it feels like he’s flying apart.

“Junhoe, Junhoe,” he whispers, clinging to Jinhwan. 

He doesn’t remember telling Jinhwan anything, doesn’t remember being bundled into the car. The next thing he remembers clearly is a coffee being pushed into his hands. “I don’t want coffee,” he says blankly. 

“Yeah, well you need a distraction,” Jinhwan says, sitting in the set next to him. And it’s true. They’ve been here for almost three hours, with no word.

“They’d tell me if he–” Jiwon trails off unable to say the word, let alone think it.

“They would have told you Jiwon,” Jinhwan says, rubbing circles on Jiwon’s back. “I’m sure they’re just stabilizing him.”

The coffee has long gone cold in his hands. He hasn’t taken a sip. He sets it on the table next to him, and lets his head hit the wall behind him. It takes everything in him not to march up to the nurses and demand answers. 

He doesn’t know what time it is when someone finally approaches him, but he practically jumps out of his seat.

“Is he okay?” Jiwon asks frantically.

“He will be. We managed to get most of the drugs out of his system before they could do damage. He’s sleeping off the rest now,” the doctor tells him, and Jiwon almost starts crying. Jinhwan’s hand slides around his waist, supporting him. 

“When can I see him?” is his next question. 

“I can take you back there now, but only one visitor,” she says, and Jinhwan nudges him forward. He follows the doctor through the hallways, his stomach twisting with nerves. “Before you go in, we need to talk.” Jiwons stomach knots. “I want to keep him for evaluation.”

“What does that entail?” Jiwon asks. 

“Once he’s recovered enough, he’ll be transferred to our inpatient ward where he'll be monitored. He'll receive counseling and therapy and we’ll get him stabilized before he returns home."

Jiwon licks his lips. “How long will he be here?” he asks.

“The average patient stays between one to three weeks depending on the speed of their recovery.”

Jiwon presses his eyes shut. Junhoe is going to hate it, but he knows it’s what he needs. “Yeah, okay,” he agrees. 

“I’ll need you to sign some paperwork.” Jiwon would sign away his soul if it would get her to let him in that room. So he signs it, and finally slips into Junhoe’s room. He’s not prepared to see Junhoe in a hospital bed, and tears leak from his eyes.

Junhoe is still sleeping, but this time Jiwon can see the rise and fall of his chest, slow and even, and he cries harder. He pulls a chair up to the side of the bed, and holds Junhoe’s hand, careful not to jostle the IV in his arm.

“Koo Junhoe,” he whispers. “I love you. I love you so much.” He swears he feels Junhoe’s hand tighten around his, but when he looks Junhoe hasn’t moved. Jiwon sits there for what feels like forever, waiting for Junhoe to open his eyes, to come back to him. There’s so much he wants to say, doesn’t know if he’ll be able to.

It’s pitch black when Junhoe stirs with a groan. Jiwon shoots up from where he’d been dozing against the bed. Junhoe shifts uncomfortably, his hand moving to clutch his forehead. Jiwon isn’t surprised if he has a splitting headache.

“Junhoe,” he says softly, and those brown eyes finally open. “Jesus, Junhoe,” he says, letting out a small sob. He clutches Junhoe’s hand like a lifeline. Junhoe looks confused and dazed, unsure of where he is or what’s going on. His eyes flicker around the room, and finally to Jiwon, and his face pales, and he looks away quickly.

“Junhoe,” he says like his name is the only word he knows. Junhoe won’t look at him, but at least he doesn’t pull his hand out of Jiwon’s grasp. He looks like he’s going to cry, and that breaks Jiwon’s heart. They sit in silence for a long while, before Junhoe finally steals a glance at Jiwon.

“I’m not leaving,” Jiwon says softly. Junhoe almost seems surprised by that. Junhoe’s eyes drop again. “I promise.”

“Are you mad at me?” Junhoe croaks after what feels like forever.

“Baby no, no,” he says, and as soon as the tears start spilling over Junhoe’s cheeks he’s moving. He doesn’t know if this is allowed, but damn them if it isn’t. He climbs into the bed next to Junhoe, moving him carefully so he’s wrapped up in Jiwon’s arms. Junhoe cries.

“You should be,” he chokes out. Jiwon shushes him before he can say anything bad about himself.

“I’m not mad. You scared me, but I’m not mad. I love you so much, I just need you alive and alright,” he says against Junhoe’s hair.

“I thought your life would be better without me,” Junhoe says. “I’ve just been pulling you down. And everything was too much. I couldn’t handle it anymore.” His voice trails off.

“You’ll get through this, we’ll get through it together, okay? Because you belong in my life, you belong alive Junhoe. I love you so much,” he says, tears falling into Junhoe’s hair. Junhoe’s body slowly relaxes into his, and Jiwon wonders if he’s fallen asleep. 

“When can we go home?” Junhoe finally whispers. He must feel Jiwon tense up, because his head suddenly lifts and his eyes scan Jiwon’s face. “What?” he asks.

“They want you to stay for awhile,” Jiwon says carefully. It’s Junhoe’s turn to tense up.

“How long is awhile?” he asks.

“A week, maybe two,” Jiwon says, and Junhoe shakes his head violently. 

“No, no I’m not staying here. I can’t. I don’t want to,” he says.

“You have to,” Jiwon says. 

“You can’t leave me here,” Junhoe says, and Jiwon can feel the panic in his voice.

“I’ll visit you every day, okay? You won’t be alone,” he reassures him. “It’s only for a short while, to help get you feeling better.”

Junhoe shakes but he doesn’t say anything, just shakes in Jiwon’s arms.

It’s too soon when the doctor comes. He knows it’s been hours, but he just got Junhoe back, and it feels like he’s losing him all over again. 

“I love you,” he whispers.

“Don’t go,” Junhoe answers.

“I’ll be back. I promise. I’ll be here tomorrow,” he says, hugging Junhoe tight, before watching as they wheel him out sight. Jiwon has to use the wall to steady himself. His heart feels cracked, and he’s not sure how to fix it.

Jinhwan is still in the waiting room when he emerges. “You didn’t have to stay,” Jiwon says, nudging him awake.

“Someone has to look out for you too,” he says simply. “How is he?”

“Alive,” Jiwon says around a rush of air, and it feels good to finally say it out loud. Jinhwan nods, and stands, a comforting hand on Jiwon’s back. 

“Where do you want to go?” Jinhwan asks. 

“I don’t know,” he admits. “Just not the apartment.”

So they go back to Jinhwan’s place. Jiwon crashes on the couch almost immediately, the events of the last day weighing down on him. Jinhwan pulls a blanket over him, and goes to his own room to get some rest.

  
  


Jiwon wakes to the smell of coffee and breakfast. He groans, still feeling exhausted, but his hunger wins out. He extricates himself from the blanket and shuffles towards Jinhwan’s kitchen.

“Hey,” Jinhwan says. “How’re you holding up?” He passes Jiwon a coffee and a plate of food, and Jiwon sinks into a chair.

“As good as can be expected, I guess,” he says with a shrug. Jinhwan gives him a worried look. 

“When are visiting hours?” he asks, settling across the table.

“6 to 7,” he answers. “I need to go back to the apartment and shower and change, but I–” his voice cuts off, and swallows hard, holding back tears.

“Jiwon, it’s okay to cry,” Jinhwan says, standing and moving around the table to gather Jiwon in a fierce hug. Jiwon sobs, clinging to Jinhwan like a life raft. 

“I almost lost him,” he chokes on his words. “I thought he was dead, Jinhwan.”

“I know, but you didn’t and he’s not. He’s gonna get better, I promise,” Jinhwan says, holding Jiwon until the tears stop.

They head back to Jiwon’s apartment a few hours later. Jiwon hesitates at the door, but Jinhwan gently nudges him in. They step into the disheveled apartment. Jiwon stops before they reach the door to his bedroom. “I can’t, Jinhwan,” he says, feeling panic welling up in his chest.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Jinhwan reassures him. He heads into the room, coming out a few moments later with a change of clothes. “Go shower.”

Jiwon gratefully retreats to the safety of the bathroom, where he feels like he can breathe again. He takes a long, hot shower, trying to wash away the heavy feeling in his chest.

  
  


When he emerges, the apartment has been tidied up. It no longer looks like it was trampled through by medics. He dares a small peek inside his room. The pill bottles are gone, and the bed is made. All signs of yesterday erased.

“You don’t have to stay, you know,” he tells Jinhwan as they lounge on the couch. The television is playing in the background but neither of them is really watching it.

“You need someone to look after you too, Jiwon,” Jinhwan says pointedly. “You went through something traumatic yesterday. You need support too.”

“Thanks ‘Nani,” Jiwon says, slumping into him. 

“I’m gonna head to the hospital now,” Jiwon announces around 5:30. “You should head home Jinhwan, you’ve got a life too.” Jinhwan purses his lips.

“Okay, but you call me if you need anything. I mean anything, okay?” he says.

“Okay,” Jiwon agrees.

“Promise, because if you don’t call and I find out, I’ll kick your ass.”

Jiwon laughs at that. “I promise,” he says, letting Jinhwan pull him into one last tight hug.

  
  


He gets to the hospital and signs in, bouncing his leg as he sits in the waiting room. He’s surrounded by other people waiting for the same thing as him. He wonders about their stories, if they ever got the image out of their heads.

He’s snapped out of it by the nurse arriving to take them back to the visiting area. His eyes lock on Junhoe immediately. He’s sitting at a table in the corner of the room, picking at his cuticles. He doesn’t look up until Jiwon slides into the seat across from him.

“Hey baby,” Jiwon says, pulling one of Junhoe’s hands into his own. His thumb strokes Junhoe’s knuckles, and Junhoe’s fingers tighten around his. “I told you I’d be back,” he says lightly. Junhoe is frowning. “What’s wrong?” he asks, like the answer isn’t everything. 

“I don’t want to be here,” he says. Jiwon wants to sigh, but he doesn’t.

“I know, but it’s just for a little while, I promise.” Junhoe’s frown doesn’t ease. “Did you go to any sessions today?” he tries, and Junhoe shakes his head.

“They changed my meds. I was too tired to get out of bed,” he says. Jiwon’s thumb never stops stroking his hand.

“That’s okay, it’s been a rough couple of days, you’re allowed to be tired,” Jiwon says. Junhoe pulls his hand out of Jiwon’s grasp and crosses his arms, staring at the table. Jiwon frowns this time. “Baby,” he starts, but Junhoe cuts him off.

“Don’t ‘baby’ me Jiwon,” he snaps. Jiwon stares at him in silence, unsure of what’s just happened.

“Junhoe” he tries, but Junhoe shakes his head. 

“I can’t stand you sitting there like nothing happened. A rough couple of days? Really? I tried to  _ kill  _ myself, Jiwon. I told you before that you’d be better without me, and I meant it,” he’s glowering now. Jiwon just stares at him, mouth slightly agape.

“You shouldn’t be here. You should have just left me there,” Junhoe says, and Jiwon shakes his head violently. Tears are pricking at his eyes, he doesn’t know what to say. “Say something, Jiwon. Yell at me, tell me to fuck off, do  _ something _ .”

Jiwon shakes his head again, a tear tracking down his cheek.

“I deserve it,” Junhoe says.

“No, you don’t,” Jiwon says, and Junhoe gives him a flat look. 

“You should go home,” Junhoe says.

“Babe,” Jiwon protests. He’s barely been there fifteen minutes.

“I’m tired,” is all Junhoe says, before getting up and exiting the room, leaving a shell shocked Jiwon.

  
  


Jiwon makes it to his car before breaking down. He sits in the driver’s seat and just cries. He feels like he’s lost Junhoe, and doesn’t know if he’ll ever get him back. He’s shaking so bad he can’t drive, so he calls Jinhwan.

He doesn’t say anything, just cries. Jinhwan doesn’t ask, just starts to talk about his day and all the things he’d done in minor detail until his voice soothes Jinhwan, and the sobs taper off.

“Do you want to come over?” Jinhwan asks.

“No,” Jiwon sniffles. “I’m just going to go home and sleep.”

“Do you need me to come over?”

“No, it’s okay, really. Thanks, Jinhwan.”

Jiwon sleeps on the couch. He can’t face sleeping in the bed,  _ their _ bed, after what happened. Not without Junhoe. He sleeps fitfully, nightmares waking him up every couple hours.

Junhoe refuses visitors for the next two days. Jiwon feels like he’s been stabbed in the chest when the nurse tells him. He doesn’t call Jinhwan, he just goes home and drinks every bit of alcohol he can find. He lets the days blur by.

He’s passed out face down on the couch when he hears someone let themself into the apartment. It’s obviously not Junhoe, but Jiwon doesn’t really care enough to see who it is. His head hurts too much to move.

“Jesus Christ, Jiwon,” Jinhwan says, and his voice is so loud Jiwon whines. 

“Go away,” Jiwon mumbles.

“Get up,” Jinhwan says, tone stern. Jiwon groans but pulls himself into a sitting position, the room swimming slightly. “When was the last time you showered?” Jinhwan asks. Jiwon shrugs. “Okay, when was the last time you ate?” Another shrug. 

“Go shower while I make you food,” he orders, and Jiwon is too emotionally drained to argue, so he does as he’s told.

When he emerges from the shower, he looks mostly human again, if he ignores the dark circles underneath his eyes.

He gets dressed and heads to the kitchen, sinking down into a chair. “I’m not hungry,” he protests when Jinhwan slides a bowl of food in front of him.

“That’s too damn bad. Eat it,” Jinhwan says, clearly ready to argue until he gets his way. Jiwon picks at it until Jinhwan is satisfied. 

Jinhwan sits down at the other side of the table and gently prods until Jiwon tells him about his visit with Junhoe. He hmms as he listens. 

“Give him some time,” Jinhwan says softly. “He’s hurting, and it sounds like he feels guilty. I can’t imagine it’s easy to just get over something like that. Just keep trying, keep being there for him. But don’t give up on yourself either, okay?”

“Okay,” Jiwon says quietly.

  
  


He goes to the hospital, and is shocked when he’s not turned away. It takes everything in him not to run to Junhoe when he sees him. It feels like his heart is finally beating again. Junhoe reaches for him this time, his fingers gripping Jiwon’s as they sit. 

“I’m sorry,” Junhoe says, and shushes Jiwon when he tries to speak. “I shouldn’t have done that. I was angry at myself and I took it out on you, and then I couldn’t bear to look you in the eyes.” His voice gets quieter as he speaks.

“Junhoe,” Jiwon says softly, bringing his hand up to press a kiss to the back of it. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” he repeats. “This is about you getting better, nothing else. If you need me to stay away for that to happen, I’ll do that.”

“No, no no no,” Junhoe says, sounding slightly panicked. “I didn’t mean it like that, please don’t stop coming.”

“Okay,” Jiwon soothes. “I’ll be here every night until they let you out, and then I’ll be there for our entire lives.” Junhoe’s eyes close, like he’s imagining it. 

Jiwon is content to spend the hour holding Junhoe’s hand and listening to him talk. He’s still reluctant about being there, but he’s starting to feel a little better. He’s been going to groups and his sessions. 

Jiwon keeps his promise and comes every night. On the sixth day, Junhoe finally smiles, and if Jiwon cries in the car afterwards, no one needs to know.

They keep him for two weeks, until they’re sure the new meds in his system are helping, rather than hurting. He still gets anxious, but he’s got tools to cope with it now. He doesn’t feel perfect, but he feels better than he has in probably a year.

“You ready to blow this popsicle stand?” Jiwon asks, leaning against the door to Junhoe’s room. 

“You have no idea,” Junhoe says, taking Jiwon’s hand and letting him lead him to freedom. The first thing he does once they’ve left the building is to drop all his stuff, and pounce on Jiwon. He pushes him up against the wall, and kisses him breathless like he’s been dying to do for weeks. Jiwon laughs into the kiss, but doesn’t stop him. He just wraps his arms around Junhoe’s waist and pulls him closer.

They make love that night, slow and gentle, making the bed theirs again, replacing bad memories with good. And that night Jiwon holds Junhoe close, and finally rests well.

  
  


When Jiwon wakes, the other side of the bed is empty. Panic sets in until he hears pans clacking in the kitchen. He wanders out sleepily. “What are you doing?”

Junhoe startles. “Go back to sleep, I’m surprising you.”

Jiwon laughs loudly at that. “Babe, you cook worse than I do.” Junhoe pouts and Jiwon kisses it off his face.

“Let’s go on a vacation,” he says, jumping up to sit on the counter. He wraps his legs around Junhoe’s middle and pulls him in so he can kiss him again.

“When?” Junhoe asks between kisses, his fingers creeping under Jiwon’s shirt, rubbing the sleep warm skin there.

“You pick the place, I’ll book the tickets and we’ll be out of here tonight. It’ll be good to get away for a week,” he says, laying his head against Junhoe’s chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart.

“Guam,” Junhoe says after a moment’s pause.

“Why Guam?” Jiwon asks, curious. 

“I don’t know. It was the first place I thought of and I’ve never been there.”

“Guam it is then, go pack,” Jiwon says, reaching around and smacking Junhoe’s ass. Junhoe laughs but pulls Jiwon in for more kisses. 

Jiwon smiles up at Junhoe when they part. “I really love you Koo Junhoe,” he says.

Junhoe kisses his forehead. “Not as much as I love you, Kim Jiwon.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been written in starts and stops, and I'm really baring my soul with this. Most of this fic has been written when I was in a very depressed state, and my struggles are projected onto Junhoe. So I feel a little self conscious releasing this to the world. So please, be kind. And if you're struggling, please reach out. The world is a better place with you in it.
> 
> Thank you to [skye](https://archiveofourown.org/users/reclist/pseuds/sur) for reading this, editing it, and generally keeping me a functioning person.


End file.
